Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
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[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.