There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos