Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
*puts my mental health in rice
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.