9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.