Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
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Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Them: You should try keto
Me:
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.