It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
termite twitter scares me
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes