I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Cndnsd Mlk
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
This is a bad sign
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Whoa 😂
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww