Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
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[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.