I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
new year update: losing everything but weight
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC