Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
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7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Jogging has never helped my memory.
dude it’s called proctologist
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.