It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
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life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
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FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Thursday
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
checking out some reviews of my local library