Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”