Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
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Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.