Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
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If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
just having fun
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]