When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
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You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad