Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
You Might Also Like
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Don’t we all.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.