DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
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the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.