We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.