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It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could