The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
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I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
my fav colour is also hitler
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Canadian owl: Eh?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.