me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
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Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*