product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
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Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Meowchelangelo
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Animal poetry
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes