Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
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Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]