I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
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Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.