If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
What if all the cashiers are married?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry