[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
You Might Also Like
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot