Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
incredible text to wake up to
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
But I really needed water water water
what do you want!!!!!!!!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!