I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
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30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”