My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Is this a threat?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die