*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.