[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
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My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.