Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on