Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Happy Caturday!
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.