Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.