I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
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Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Bike is short for Bichael.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year