Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
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Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
i think we should see other cousins
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that