Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.