If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates