I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
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Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Print is alive and well!!!
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
i meant to share this earlier
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.