If you know, you know
You Might Also Like
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.