why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.