Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Investing in beetcoin
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.