me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
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Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Mornin
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.