My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising