i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
💁🏻♂️
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.