hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
when you don’t want to be too vague
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
getting old is fun
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”