Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
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instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.