Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Saint West, the patron of selfies