Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*