I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
You Might Also Like
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Meow
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.